Bad Customers: A Guide to Customer Etiquette
--Humor--
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Sometimes . . . you just wanna smack 'em!

Have you ever worked in retail? Yay or nay? (which one means yes? -- name that movie and I'll give you an internet cookie). Most of us have worked a measly, minimum-wage-payin' retail job at some time in our life, so most of us know what it means to deal with the colorful variety of customers that come into "our" stores on a daily basis.

For those who don't know, here's how it works:

When you start your very first retail job, you're all smiles. You're willing to be a good little robot and help every customer who looks lost. You're friendly; even want to help.

That quickly changes.

After about a year, you just get sick and tired of dealing with their rude, spoiled, and just plain stupid selves. You swear that if one more customer throws you the line, "Are you working hard or hardly working?!" you're going to pimp-smack them like Barbossa did to Elizabeth in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. If one more customer throws their money on the counter instead of handing it to you like you're a human being, you're going to shove that dirty twenty in their mouth and make 'em choke on it. The next time you find a pile of pitted sunflower seeds sitting on a nice, clean shelf in all their spit-covered glory, you're going to grab the one responsible by the back of the head and rub their nose in it ("Bad, customer! Bad!") .

Basically, you go insane.

If you're a retail worker, or former retail worker, you will find much humor in this book. You will be nodding your head along with every page going "yup, been there." If you're a customer and one of the lucky ones who have never had to work in retail, you're going to learn something from this book.

Please, help the retail workers. Keep them from going insane. Read this book. Give it to your friends to read. Learn. Be a good customer.

You can download each part (pdf) for free here: Part - One;Two; Three; Four; Five; Six; Seven

Or, buy a hard copy for yourself or as a gift to your favorite retailer. (Top Right)

Or, if you have pdf issues (whether those are related to compatibility or you just can't stand adobe), you can read it right here. There will be sections, and you may link back to those sections when you need to take a break from reading. Just look to the right side there to find the links.

 

Part One

 

Introduction

As you may have figured out, this book is about “sucky” customers. Don’t know what qualifies as a sucky customer? Read on. If you’re offended, well that means you yourself are a sucky customer and I probably don’t care if you’re offended. If you’re not offended and find yourself laughing, kudos to you!
            The problem today is, too many people are spoiled and have no respect for the workers of any establishment. Too many people go by the lie “the customer is always right” and think they can get away with anything because they truly believe the world “owes them something.”
            To these people, I’d like to hand out a big dose of reality.
No, the customer is not always right; if the customer were always right, everything would be free, and no business would stay in business.
            The world does not owe you anything.
            You are no more privileged than I.
            You need retail workers just as much as they need you. Of course it’s true that a company needs its customers to stay in business. But unless you can grow all your own food, make all your own clothes, fart out your own transportation  (and provide whatever source of energy it needs), and are entirely self-providing where you don’t need to shop anywhere, you need us as well.

 

 

What makes me qualified to write such a book?

I used to work part time at a very popular dollar store where we used to get all kinds of sucky customers.

Whenever I had a bad day, I would make notes of the irritating things people did. I also knew of a website where workers could go to vent about their bad customer experiences. I compared my notes to their complaints and used the most common complaints to fill the pages in the book; I didn't want to just gripe about everything that bothered me because I knew my personal dislike for the general population would interfere with the quality of the book. If I compared my complaints with other people, and used the ones that most retail workers have about customers, then I would know it's not just me being bitchy, and I could tell people that, should they ever ask.

 

Have Fun

As serious as the irritation is that comes from sucky customers, and even though this book’s main purpose is to educate, it’s also to entertain. So please, have fun.

If you stumble across a word that is in bold type and you don’t know its definition, please consult the “dictionary” in the back of the book.

And remember, the next time I tell you “it’s against company policy” get over it and move on; you “ain’t” special.

 

Let’s start with the most common bad customer: the rude one. People these days are bred with an attitude. Whenever something doesn’t go their way, the first thing they do is get an attitude. The following are examples of rude behavior:

Rude
The most common of “sucky” customers

First and foremost, all shoppers must remember this: We work here; you don’t. We know the “rules” better than anyone. If an employee tells you something cannot be done, or the store does not carry a certain product you’re looking for, take her word for it unless she gives you a reason to be suspicious.
If she seems new and you’re a bit skeptical as to whether or not she knows what she’s talking about, then by all means, ask someone else. But if that second person tells you the same thing, accept it and move on.

Don’t get mad.

Don’t get bossy.

Don’t throw out the “So and So let me do it last week” card. If “So and So” did indeed let you do it last week, he was probably a moron or likes to bend the rules and it will be his butt on fire. But do not expect every employee to put their necks on the line and risk losing their job for you. You are not speshul. You are not worth losing a job over.

Accept and move on.

Accept and move on.

Repeat this, remember it when you’re shopping, and you will be well on your way to becoming a decent customer.

 

Bank Cards

Oh, the bank cards. In my experience, they’ve caused the most problems in retail. Because bank cards equal money, and when they fail at the register, they bring on embarrassment which very quickly evolves into anger and somehow, the problem is always the cashier’s fault.

Because you not having any money in your account is definitely not your fault…right.
We used to get someone every day at my store. Sometimes the incidents were mild and only consisted of a sigh and an eyeroll. Other times the customer became enraged and threw a nice little two-year old fit.

To those of you who “throw fits”—yelling, throwing out accusations, telling the cashier she’s “stupid,” or literally throwing something—I would like to take a moment to say:

You’re doing nothing but making yourself look like an ass. People behind you don’t think you’re badass, they don’t think you’re cool, and they certainly aren’t impressed. They’re thinking you’re a douche rocket who needs a swift kick in the arse.

Just remember something about any card (bank cards; food cards; gift cards, etc.): every store is different. They have different policies, different machines, and different ways of accepting and handling the card. Never assume the checkout process is the same at store A as it is at store B when you’re using a card.

For example, at the store I used to work at we only accepted Visa and Discover cards as debit and credit. MasterCard we only accepted as a debit—you could never use a MasterCard credit card.
Those were the only three cards we accepted, which brought on confusion and a lot of transaction cancels because people didn’t know our policies and didn’t have any other form of payment on them so they had to leave their crap behind and go somewhere else or hunt down an ATM.
If it’s your first time in a store, read every little pop-up instruction on the card machine. Just because that last little window is asking if you want cash back at one store doesn’t mean it’s the same question at another store.

At my store, the machine would go through the options and then at the end ask for you to approve the amount. So many people just flew right through it because they thought it was asking if they wanted cash back. They would end up hitting “no” and that would cancel the whole payment and we’d have to start over.

And somehow, this is usually “the cashier’s fault.”

I almost always got an eyeroll when this happened and I would have to tell my customer to slide his or her card again.

Yup, it’s my fault you don’t read.

 

The following is my most memorable bank card incident. After this incident, I called my boss to let him know what had happened and that I might be getting a customer complaint on me, and I was so fuming when I was talking to him that I was shaking and crying tears of RAGE! Rage tears! Those are powerful tears, let me tell ya….

 

Credit or Debit?
Doesn’t matter beyotch; your card won’t work.

It was a few weeks before Christmas. Every retail worker hates that time of year anyway because it’s always busy and we’re always dealing with added stress, pressure from bosses, and angry customers.

This particular night had been going pretty well. Until She-bitch arrived, that is.
I was the MOD so I was in the back of the store doing something manager-like when my cashier paged me. I got halfway to the register when my cashier met me to let me know that the problem involved a woman and a bank card she was trying to use.

Easy. I could usually figure those out.

I got to the register and politely asked the woman to slide her card through the machine again so I could see what it was saying. She did and my cashier and I got this message on our computer screen:

Visa tender not allowed.

I had never seen this message before. Usually if the card could not be used it said invalid card type.

“Did you try using it as a debit?” I asked both the woman and my cashier.

“It’s not a debit card,” the woman said in a “duh” voice. I ignored that part.

“Yes,” my cashier replies, “and it said ‘invalid card’ when we did it that way.”

“Hmm,” I said.

I wasn’t sure what to do, and considering the fact that computers despised me, I decided to not try and guess. I called my boss and asked him if he knew what it meant. He was just as stumped as I was.

In order to get a clue he asked me, “Well, what’s she trying to buy?”

I started reading off the computer screen to him, and halfway through I realized what the problem might have been.

I saw the woman was purchasing an ATT phone card. Our store had recently come out with a new policy about phone cards: they could only be purchased with cash.

I told my boss this and he got the light bulb-over-the head tone of voice and goes, “You’re right! That’s what it is.”

So I hung up with him and told the woman she’d have to pay with cash or take off the phone card because of the store’s policy. I very politely informed her of this.

“That’s stupid,” she said and rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. “Wal-Mart lets me do it.”

I smiled at her, still trying to be polite.

“It is stupid,” I agreed. “But that’s Wal-Mart’s policy, not ours.”

She glared at me a little but said nothing else.

“Do you want to just take the phone card off then?” I asked.

“Yes!” said Mrs. Grumpy Pants.

I took the phone card off the transaction and she slid her card again. We got the same message:
Visa tender not allowed.

I shook my head, confused. “It’s still saying it.”

Her eyes started bulging and the bit of pudge on her cheeks started wiggling with how fast and angrily she said the following: “Well I know nothing’s wrong with my card. I just spent 500 dollars at Wal-Mart with it!”

Even though I thought she was being a rotten brat, I was still polite to her. I understood she was frustrated; I would have been too. But I would not have taken it out on the employees.

“Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the card,” I offered nicely. “Some banks put a limit on how much you can spend with a card in a day-”

“My bank doesn’t limit me,” she interrupted through clenched teeth.

Whoa, easy lady! I was only suggesting the limit because it’s a security precaution some banks enforce. They put a daily spending limit on the card in case your card has been jacked by some dishonest bum who’s trying to steal your money (how dare they try to protect you!). All you gotta do is call the bank and approve the transaction.

How did I know this? I had had this happen with another customer before (a much nicer customer).His card wasn’t working so he called his bank right there in front of me. They told him this and he approved the transaction and voila! it worked! No problem. No hassles! Hakuna Matata!
But I couldn’t tell this woman this because she kept interrupting me and insisting the problem was on our end, and not a daily spending limit on her part. For some reason, suggesting her bank put a limit on her card was offensive and insulting. Bad lowly retail worker! Bad!

The woman just stood there, looking at me like there was some magic button I could push that would force the computer to accept her card.

“I’m sorry, it’s not going to let you use it,” I said.
(by the way, it was near closing time and there were only a few people in the store, and only one person in line behind her—hardly enough for “embarrassing moment of the century”; this info will come in handy soon)

The woman whips out her cell phone and starts talking to someone on the other end. “It’s not letting me use my f***ing card!” she hissed into the phone, slamming her wallet back into her purse. She kept dropping the F bomb on whomever she was talking to.

She left, still hissing into the phone, without another word to me or my cashier. I canceled the whole transaction so my cashier could move onto the next person in line.

I thought it was over.

Ten minutes later I received a phone call. It was a woman and she was using the sweetest, most patronizing voice imaginable.

“I was just in there and tried to buy some things with my card, but it wasn’t letting me use it. What was it saying? Was it saying my card was declined?”

“No ma’am,” I kindly said. “It was saying Visa tender not allowed.”

“And what about when it was run as a debit?”

“My cashier said it was saying invalid card as a debit.”

“Well, why didn’t you try it as a debit after you took off the phone card?”

Oh geez, I thought. Here we go.
First of all, the choice of debit or credit is up to you. She knew this as she had tried running her card through several times. So why didn’t she try using her card as a debit after the phone card had been taken off if she thought it would make such a difference?
Secondly, this is why, and this is the reason I gave her:

“Because your card is not a debit card.” You yourself said this, I thought, but didn’t say.

“Well I just called my bank and they said nothing was wrong with my card. You should have tried it as a debit to see if it would work that way instead of embarrassing me.” She was still using that patronizing voice, like I was a complete moron—or four years old—and she was above me.

My blood was already starting to boil, but I forced myself to remain calm. I took the phone into the office, away from other customers’ ears.

“Ma’am,” I said, a little exasperated but still polite, “I was not trying to embarrass you. I never implied you didn’t have any money in your account. I was only suggesting your bank—for your safety—might have put a daily spending limit-”

She cut me off again: “I’ve been with my bank for such-and-such amount of years!-”

I was through being nice to her, so I cut her off:

“I can’t read your mind! How am I supposed to know what bank you’re with and what their policies are? I’m telling you this again: I was only suggesting the bank may have to approve your transaction after a certain amount-”

“My bank does not limit me!” She growled in a voice that Satan would be proud of.

She just didn’t seem to get it. And I was pretty steamed, so angry that I was already shaking because the woman wouldn’t even give me the respect of letting me finish a sentence and try to defend my supposed actions of “embarrassing her.”

“Would you let me finish!” I yelled into the phone.

“I don’t have to let you finish because I know what my bank does.”

I sighed. “You’re not getting what I’m trying to say here.”

“Well neither are you. You should have tried it as a debit.”

“It was saying invalid card.” I said the words slowly, so she might understand me. “Your card is not a debit card, as you said before; it would not have worked.”

“Did you try it after taking off the phone card?”

*Facepalm*

“No. Because it. said. invalid. card. It was not because of the purchase; it’s because your card is not a debit card.”

Are you gettin’ it yet, sweetie?

This went on for a few more minutes until the woman demanded I give her the corporate office phone number so she could make a complaint about me because I had “horrible customer service skills.”\
Just for the record, I had worked at this store for over a year when this happened and never—
not once—had a customer complained about me before. In fact, I always got the opposite; people always complimented me on how friendly and helpful I was. My boss told me not to worry about it, and I was never reprimanded.

She-bitch gets the official stamp of:

 

 

 

 

To be continued . . . (or just click part two if you have Adobe Reader)

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Part Two

Sliding Your Card
It’s not rocket science.

 

How Do I Do This Again?

Most places have that nifty little machine that lets you slide your card at the end of your transaction rather than give it to the cashier to do. It’s annoyingly hilarious when people are unfamiliar with them.
To me, it’s simple to figure out how to slide a card through any machine. Why? Because usually there are instructions on the side of the machine that tells you which way to hold your card. Yet people slide them backwards. Doing it wrong the first time is understandable. But so many people will continue sliding the card the exact same way, rather than turning it around and trying the other way, even though their way is obviously not working.
Over. And over.
Read instructions. It makes your time at the checkout shorter and easier on everyone. If you can’t find the instructions, ask the cashier for help. Though she’s laughing at you on the inside, she’s happy to help.
No, Don’t Slide It Yet!

Always ask the cashier if it’s okay to slide the card before she’s done ringing everything up. Getting in a hurry and sliding your card in the middle of a scan could lock up the system and the result will be you waiting while the cashier calls a manager up to reset the system, thus making your check-out time longer. You’ll probably get annoyed looks from other customers behind you, too.

 

Bank Card or Food Stamp Card?
“Ah crap! You didn’t tell me it was EBT! Now you have to do it all over, d’oh!”

Always let the cashier know if you’re using a food stamp/EBT card. If you’re embarrassed to announce this in the presence of other customers, make sure the cashier is looking at you and discreetly show her the front of your card.
Some (or maybe most) stores have to push a separate key when a customer is using a food card. So many people fail to tell the cashier they’re using a
 card other than a credit or debit and the cashier ends up pushing the wrong button because, hey she doesn’t know—she can’t read your mind. This results in the computer denying the card and the cashier having to tell you she didn’t know that it was an EBT card and to please slide it again, which could end up being more embarrassing for you.

 

Never Assume
You know what assuming does, right?

Always make sure the store you’re shopping at accepts the payment method you plan to use, or else have a backup plan. So many people just assume every store will take their credit or debit card and it turns out the store accepts every card except the one they’re trying to use.
The customer has no other form of payment and the transaction must be cancelled, the customer walks out the door either angry or embarrassed and the employees have to put away everything the customer was going to buy. Either ask upon arrival what methods of payment the store accepts, or carry
backup cash on you to avoid embarrassment, impatience (from other customers), and extra voids for the store.

 

We are Not a Bank
Especially not yours, you speshul, speshul snowflake.
 
You gotta love the people who come into a store expecting to receive bank-like services. It’s okay to ask for a dollar in quarters, or maybe get two fives back instead of a ten—though sometimes some stores can’t do this because they have to keep a certain amount of fives and ones in their drawer. Their change fund may be nearly depleted, and if the banks are closed for the day, there’s no way for them to get more.
However, it’s not okay to go into a store and ask for change for a hundred dollar bill, a roll of quarters, or anything else extreme. It’s especially not okay to do this to a small store like a bread store, convenience store, or dollar store.
Most stores have a certain amount of change they have to keep in their tills (at my store it was
$100 in fives, ones, and coins per till), and a set amount in the safe. Every now and then we’d get customers who would come in asking for extreme amounts of change, like 40 dollars in fives, or a roll of quarters (that’s ten dollars in quarters).
They didn’t seem to understand that we couldn’t spare that much at a time.
The funny thing was, there was a bank just down the road from us, so we often asked ourselves, “why didn’t they just go there?”
You’re probably thinking the same thing on our part. “Well, why’s it so hard for you to go to the bank and get change to replace what you gave the customer? Aren’t they more important?”
First of all, why should we have to do that? It’s their money; they need the change. It’s not our job to run personal errands for the people who come into our store. Half the time, the people asking for change weren’t even buying anything from us.
Second, we have a lot to do, and we’ve already gone to the bank once today and stocked up on change we knew we would need to make it through the day.
We can’t spare an extra half hour to get change that we shouldn’t have to get. We barely have enough time to get everything done that we’re supposed to anyway; adding a second (and unnecessary) trip to the bank is not something we should have to do.

 

Speaking of Money….
With all kinds of customers come all forms of money. By that I mean the way money is presented to us.

It’s a well known fact that money is one of the dirtiest things on the planet. It’s exposed to anything and everything, and then transferred from person to person.
People do the weirdest things with money. I know one guy who used to measure the diameter of a certain part of his body by how many dollar bills he could get wrapped around “it” lengthwise….

Keep It Dry
Why is it wet?!

You have no idea how disgusting it is (or maybe you do if you’ve ever worked in retail) to give a customer a total and have them hand you damp bills.
*shudder*
You’re weirded out at first (why the heck is this money wet?!) and then several possible reasons float into your mind, making you gag:

You comfort yourself by saying “they accidentally washed it, and it just hasn’t dried; they washed it, they washed it…please God, let it be that they washed it!”
But you know that just isn’t the case when it was a large, sweaty woman who produced a wad of cash from in between her ginormous breasts.
Please, store the cash in a wallet like a normal human being. And don’t use it for anything other than paying for things.

 

Don’t Hold Up the Line
Can we move this train along, please?

There are some people (especially the elderly) who always want to use exact change when paying for something.
This is fine. As long as you’re fast, and there’s not a long line behind you. Heck, you don’t even have to be fast if there isn’t a line; you can be slow as molasses if you’re the only one there.
Be considerate. Other people have places they need to be, too. They don’t want to wait while you hunt for one last penny in the bottom of your circus-tent purse. This doesn’t make you a bad customer, per se…just don’t do it if you don’t want to get annoyed looks from the people behind you.
Especially don’t do this if, while you’re digging out change, you laugh and say “I hate it when people dig around for change, just trying to find one more
penny!” (I actually had a woman do this, and there was a line behind her)
If ya hate it, why are you doing it, ya hypocrite? It’s like admitting you’re being an ass somehow makes you less of an ass. That’s not how it works, sunshine. Knowing you’re being inconsiderate and annoying makes it worse that you’re doing it.
And the person behind you wants to kick you in the back of the knee.

 

Wait! I Need One More Thing!
Oh sure, take your time! These people have nowhere else to be.

There’s people who make you wait while they dig out change from their purse or pocket, and then there’s people who think they’re entitled to hold up the line while they go back to get “just one more thing.”
Be cautious if you decide you want to risk being a rude customer by doing this.
The only time it’s acceptable to run back to get something you forgot is when there’s no one else waiting in line. If there’s even one person behind you, do not ever do this.
Finish the transaction you’re on and then go back and get what you forgot, even if that means you have to wait in line again to pay for it. Other people shouldn’t have to wait longer because you forgot something. You forgot it; you can be the one to wait in line again.
If you do decide to go back for something else, do not take your time. The cashier has other things to do even if there’s no one else waiting in line (not to mention, another customer could walk up after you leave and then they’re stuck waiting for you, too). If you’re going back for something else, know exactly where it is and hurry up. Do not stop to look at other things, do not slump along and drag your feet. Hurry up.
Some stores are able to pause your transaction in case you need to go back for something else. They pause the order and are able to ring up other customers, but not every store can do this, especially not the smaller ones (mine was never able to do this).
Ask if the cashier is able to pause your transaction, and if she can’t be considerate and finish paying for what you have already and make a
separate purchase for the item(s) you forgot.
Also, if the cashier can pause your transaction, do not expect to be able to line-jump when you return. I’ll say it again: other people should not have to wait for you. So don’t get all teed off if the cashier tells you have to wait while she finishes up the other people’s transactions.

 

Merchandise
The stuff you buy, yo.

Many scenarios fall into this category. Merchandise placement; inventory; prices....
Some people get all uppity about merchandise, especially when it’s a misplaced item and they think it’s supposed to be a different price than what it rings up as.

 

Prices: Use Your Common Sense
Do you have it?

 It amazes me that a person will stand at the register and argue a price difference of ten cents when it means they’ll be paying that much more for an item they think is supposed to be cheaper. Yet, something that rings up ten cents less than what they thought is just fine and dandy.
People always have common sense when it means they think they’ll be paying less.
For example, they see a bottle of Windex sitting on a shelf labeled $1.00. It’s the only bottle of
Windex, and it’s surrounded by several bottles of the generic brand of window cleaner.
            This is where they lack common sense. If their common sense had been working, it would have set off an alarm and let them know that Windex is never $1.00 unless it’s on sale (and a sale that big would be advertised; not just given a new price label), and that with the other brands of window cleaner there, it was obvious the Windex was in the wrong spot.
But, oh no. Their common sense abandons them. They see a mistake and want to take advantage of it in order to save a couple bucks.
            At my store, you won’t get it for that price when it’s an obvious mistake unless…wait, I can’t tell you our secrets! Silly me!
In another scenario, common sense drowns the customer. They see a short pillar candle that they know is usually $1.50 sitting on a shelf with a $6.00 label beneath it.
“That can’t be right!” Common Sense screams in a super-hero voice. And the customer listens. “No, no, that isn’t right. This must be a mistake.”
Never ever will a person assume $6.00 is the right price for that short pillar candle. But they will assume $1.00 is correct for a standard bottle of Windex even though just about everyone knows Windex isn’t that cheap.
If an item rings up less than what a customer thought, they won’t say a word. But Heaven forbid if something rings up more than what they thought. Even if it’s just ten cents more, a customer will, at the very least, give what they think is a witty remark about the store “trying to cheat everybody.”
At the most, they’ll throw a tantrum and demand you give it to them for the price displayed. They will hold up the line, making you wait for a manager, then stomp down the aisle they got the item from, rudely point out the price tag, and huff and puff all the way back to the register with a line that has grown 11 feet. All for ten cents.

 

Don’t Blame Us for the 25 Cent Increase!
We hate it, too. But we don’t set the prices.

It’s a bad economy. Prices teeter-totter. Mostly they go up. Sure, it’s frustrating—we’re all ticked about it—but it’s beyond most of our control. Don’t get mad and blame the employees for price changes.
            Really, we have nothing to do with them. We just keep the store clean, in stock, and take care of you guys. Not even the managers can control core prices of inventory.

 

Thanks, Grandma

We once had a lady get angry because Coke went up 15 cents. She was griping at the cashier and asking, “Why do you keep raising the prices?”
            “Well, we have no control over that, ma’am. That’s Coke raising the prices,” the cashier told her.
            The woman kept complaining as she was reaching into her purse, blaming the cashier for the price increase, so finally the cashier kind of laughed and said, “Ma’am, it’s not my fault.”
            The woman slammed her billfold into her purse and grumbled, “Of course it’s not your fault, it’s never anybody’s fault!”
            She said something more about how she hated our state and stomped out the door.
            LOL, wut?

 

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Part Three

Oh, Sorry, We’re out of Magic Pop-Up Shelves
Try again later….

Something really annoying and only slightly humorous (because it makes the customer look like a twat) is when a customer gets butt hurt and takes it personal when we’re out of a certain item.
Really, people. We are a place of business; people buy our things. Running out of a product tends to happen. Just wait a few weeks and it will be back in stock, or if you really, really need it noooooowww, go somewhere else.

It’s like people expect our shelves to be magical. Like when someone picks up a jar of jelly off the shelf, poof! another jar appears!
I love it when someone happily, skipping along, goes to where they know an item is at and when they see the shelf empty, their face just drops and they’re literally stuck in a moment of stupidity. They stare hard at the shelf, look at me, look back at the shelf, and point a finger.
            “You’re out?” they ask in dismay.
            “Unfortunately,” I nod. “But we should get some more next week!” *smilesmile*
They don’t respond. They just hang their head and walk away.
            Or you get the rude ones who scoff, sigh, and stomp away as if someone told them their baby was ugly.
            “Now I have to drive all the way to Wal-Mart! I hate going to Wal-Mart!”
            Yup, guess so. Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out, you spoiled little….
            “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, Sir!” *smilesmile*

 

You can’t be out of milk! Where’s your cow?

Overreacting about a store being out of an item is silly. Take for example this woman:

She was a regular of ours; was always grumpy and had the manners of a warthog and the personality of a mop. She was always dressed super nice, and had her nose in the air so we interpret her behavior as her being a snobby b-word.

Did I mention she’s blonde?

It was late January and we were in the middle of an ice storm. The store was going to close early due to the storm and the icy roads, so we were pretty busy with people coming in buying necessities for the next couple of days. One of these necessities was milk.

Now, the day before our cooler had been stocked full so it’s not like our milk man was neglecting us. In Oklahoma, though, when there’s even a hint of a natural disaster approaching, people hit the stores and stock up. Things sell out quickly during bad weather, so by the time the snobby b-word arrived, the milk had been depleted to one lone half-gallon of skim.

Blond Snobby B-word comes into the store with her usual attitude (nose in the air, looking at anyone who looks at her like they’ve insulted her by daring to look her in the eye), sashays to the milk cooler with her cart and just stares through the glass doors, at the almost empty shelves.
She then looks at me, scoffs, and says in a snotty tone, “Is this all the milk you’ve got?”

“Yup, that’s it,” I said, nodding. I didn’t feel the need to tell her that the ice storm was making people cautious and that’s why we didn’t have any milk, but then again, I lie to myself and assume everyone has common sense.

“You don’t have any in the back or anything?” Why is it no one can take “no” for an answer?

“No, we don’t have a cooler in the back. We have a vendor who brings us milk a couple times a week,” I kindly explain, though in my head I’m going, “Hurr, derp derp.” I mean, come on…a store as small as ours, you’d assume people would know this.

The woman literally growls at her bad luck. Growls. Like an angry dog.

O-kay, I think. I turn around and leave her to mope. I stupidly assume our conversation is over. And it is. Until she gets up to the register after shopping for 20 minutes.

She brings a gallon of D milk tied in one of our store bags. “I found this in the cooler, why is it in a bag?” she asked the cashier, peering at the object with curiosity.

The cashier kind of looked at me with a “help” expression so I answered the woman:

“That usually means something’s wrong with it and we’re holding it for the milk man to give us Credit.”

“But why is it in the cooler?”

“So it doesn’t spoil.” Something else I thought would be obvious.

“What’s wrong with it?” She pulled the milk out and started looking over it.

“Usually there’s a leak or the seal has been broken,” I explain.

“Well, can you sell it to me?”

“Uh…” I hesitate, knowing we’re not technically supposed to do that. “I might be able to, but it would be at your own risk, and I’d have to call my manager to find out for sure.”

She sighed woefully. Woe woe woe, feel sorry for me; my life is so hard. And then, seriously folks, she asked me the following question: “Well, since you guys are out of milk, does that mean the 7-11 next door is out too?”

*Facepalm*
Why yes! When one store is out of something, that means the whole city is out! How do I know, this? Well, ma’am I’m psychic and know everything! I was stifling laughter at that point.

“Uh, I’m not sure. I guess you’d have to go over there and see,” I said.

She sighs again (woe woe woe), and starts looking over the lone gallon of suspicious D milk with longing, but confused, eyes.

“So, do you want the milk?” the cashier asked the lady. There was a growing line behind her so the cashier was trying to get her out without causing any kind of chaos.

Another sigh. “I guess. I have no choice. I’ve got three kids at home who need milk.”

Drama Llama Alert!

I had to turn around so I could roll my eyes—I mean seriously, children can go one day without milk; it won’t kill them; it’s not that serious.

Then I remembered something. That particular gallon of milk was not bad and did not have a broken seal or a leak. It had been left behind by another customer the day before so we had put it back in the cooler in case he came back for it.

But by then, our 24 hour rule was up and we could sell it again (if the first customer would later come back, he would have still gotten a gallon of milk since he had already paid for it—once we were restocked—we just didn’t have to hold that specific one after 24 hours). So I tell the woman this and that the milk is definitely safe to buy…and so she did.

The world was saved that night because her kids didn’t have to go one morning without milk. Sleep in peace Snobby B-word. Sleep in peace.

Moral of the story? If a store is out of an item, don’t panic. Accept. Embrace. Move on. We may not always have an item in stock—especially when natural disasters strike; you’re just gonna have to get over it.

Returns and Exchanges
Got your receipt?

First rule here: always keep your receipt.
It makes things so much easier on both the retail worker and yourself. A lot of places won’t let you get cash back or money back on your card if you don’t have a receipt. If you don’t have a receipt and you try to bring something back, you’ll end up only getting store credit.

(Also along the same line of keeping your receipt, if you do decide you don’t want it, just throw it away yourself. Honestly, what’s the difference if I throw it away or you throw it away? By giving it back to me, all you’re doing is making the person behind you wait an extra couple of seconds and, trust me, people don’t like waiting, especially longer than they have to—even if it’s just an extra second or two. I know it seems like we’re not that busy, and to you, taking a few seconds to grab up your receipt and throw it away probably doesn’t seem like that much of a pain, but it is. We are busy and we don’t like being treated like servants; do it yourself)

Sometimes, usually when you go over a certain dollar amount—at my store it’s 5.00—the manager (or whoever’s doing the refund/exchange) will ask you for your personal information such as full name, address, and phone number. There are two reasons for this:

A lot of companies make follow-up calls to make sure the refund or exchange is “real.” Sometimes naughty employees like to do fake returns to steal from the company. So you may get a phone call later asking about your experience; if the person doing the refund was polite, and if everything went smoothly.

Another reason why companies ask for your information is because they’re keeping track of you.
Sometimes, if you have a certain number of returns in a certain amount of time, they’ll refuse to let you return anything else. This is to help cut down on thieves who come in and steal stuff and then try and return it for cash. Even if you have a receipt, it doesn’t prove that you actually purchased the item.
So many people get rid of their receipts by just dropping them on the ground or telling the cashier to throw them away.
Anyone could pick up a receipt, go into the store and grab whatever’s on the receipt, sneak out with it, and return it later. Or, a dishonest employee will take a receipt of the trash, steal whatever’s on the receipt, and return it to a different store.
So, be sure you really want to take the item back; you could be refused if you’ve hit your return limit.

 

I used to have an older lady come into the store about once a week. She was as sweet as can be, always polite and concerned if she could tell we were having a bad day—she even gave my co-worker a hug when she was crying and assured her that “everything would be okay.”

Sweet, sweet woman.

But she drove us insane.

Every time she would come in, she would always have at least one return—sometimes without a receipt. She would always tell us to hold what she was returning because she wanted to shop. We would hold this stuff at the counter for hours, waiting for her to finish shopping. On average, she would spend about two hours in the store each time she came in. She always filled up her cart and usually waited until five minutes before we closed to come to the check-out.

Five minutes till close, we’re in a rush; ready to get people out of the store so we can continue closing procedures that can’t be started until the doors are locked.

But she would always have a return that took about three minutes to complete. Then we would have to ring up her other stuff. No big deal except for the fact that she would examine every item before setting it down on the counter for us to ring up, and then decide she didn’t want half the stuff she brought up to the check out. No exaggeration—half the stuff.

Her checkout time was usually seven to ten minutes. That’s sometimes five minutes past the time we close, then we’d have to hurriedly put all the stuff she didn’t want back on the shelves in their rightful places. By the time we were actually ready to continue the closing process, it was 10 to 15 minutes past closing time. May not seem like a big deal to anyone who’s never worked in retail, but trust me: that extra 10 to 15 minutes matters a lot when it comes to you being able to leave.
So, what have we learned about refunds?

1. Always keep your receipt.
2. Be cautious of how many times you return merchandise to one company.
3. Don’t wait till 5 minutes before a store closes to bring a cart full of stuff to the check out.

 

 

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Part Four

Have a Little Patience
Superheroes we ain’t.

No one likes standing in line. It’s inconvenient and killer on the feet and legs. But it’s something we all have to do—unless you’re King or Queen Shit and are above the rest of us peons…in which case I give you the single digit salute; “you ain’t more speshul than me.”

During a store’s peak business hours, you may wait in line a little longer than normal. But no matter how long you wait in line at a store like mine, I can guarantee your checkout time will still be faster than waiting in line at Wal-Mart.
In smaller stores, there is not always going to be a cashier just waiting for you. They usually have other things they’re doing while keeping an eye on the register. When they see you’re ready to check out, they’re supposed to drop what they’re doing and tend to you immediately. If they are in plain sight and you know they saw you and they still aren’t helping you, it is your right to get angry and inform the   Manager of these shenanigans.
However, it is not okay to transform into Mr. or Mrs. Attitude if you’ve only waited ten seconds, or even thirty.
When I was a cashier and I had another project to work on while keeping an eye on the register, if the register was not in plain sight, I would count to 30, step out into a main aisle to check the register, and if no one was there waiting to check out, I would go back to whatever I was working on, and wait another 30 seconds. I think 30 seconds is reasonable.
It’s not always guaranteed though. If a cashier is struggling with something—putting out some heavy stock, or setting up a display—they may have to wait a little longer than 30 seconds to check on their register due to the possibility of being crushed by a huge box of Halloween candy that they must lift above their heads to put on the shelf. Some of us have noodle arms and no Sidekicks to help us in our superhero achievements.
If you’ve been waiting a while and you think someone has abandoned their post, feel free to have a look around, but do not do the following
(it annoys us to the point of wanting to throw a box of macaroni at your head):

1. Pound on the counter while saying “yoo hoo!”
2. Whistle like you’re calling a dog.
3. Start coughing loudly like you’re not being impatient; you just have a bad cold—yeah right.

And, unless you have waited a fairly long time—like 45 seconds to a minute or more—do not walk away from the register. Stay at the register; most of the time you will receive faster service this way. Think about it, if the cashier is counting to a certain number in her head and peeking at the register every half minute or so, if you’re not there, she’s not going to know to come up there. Think she’ll see your stuff on the counter and assume you’re ready to check out?
Think again.
First of all, depending on her view of the register, she might not be able to see your things there, ready to be rung up—especially if she’s short
Second, we get a lot—and I mean a lot—of annoying people who like to use our checkout counter as their shopping cart. Don’t ever do this, even if the cashier says it’s okay; she’s probably lying because she’s been “programmed” to give into anything reasonable. In her mind, though, she’s thinking you’re a lazy bastard.
It’s inconvenient to the people who are ready to check out; they don’t want to have to move your stuff out of the way. Not only that, but the cashier won’t know where theirs ends and yours begins if there’s no divider (my store doesn’t have dividers at all because the counter is so small), and if the customer isn’t paying attention to what’s being rung up.
Stop being lazy and get a shopping cart or a carrying basket.

 

Maybe My Evil Glare and Very Angry Hand on My Hip Will Bully You into Helping Me
When you make it up to the register and realize there’s not a cashier, be patient.

After working at my store for almost two years, I demoted myself to a stocker. I only worked two days a week, on average about ten hours (five hours each day). I was putting out some food one day and the rolltainer I was unloading sat in the middle of a main aisle where you could look towards the front of the store and see the first cash register.
            I was doing my thing, not even really paying attention to the cash register area because, hey, it wasn’t my problem. I knew a customer was up there waiting, but I figured the cashier lady was on her way to ring up the customer. I continued with my work, not paying attention. As I grabbed another box from the rolltainer, I happened to look up at the register again. And there stood a woman with an attitude-hand on her hip, looking directly at me with squinty eyes of rage.
Whoa! What the hell, lady? Did someone piss in your orange juice this morning? Seriously, the look she was giving me silently said she wished to kill me…or at least bash my head mercilessly into the floor until I bled.
Evil worker! Evil! How dare you work on those boxes instead of rushing to my aid—I’ve waited twenty seconds!
            With fear-filled eyes, I hollered the name of the cashier to let her know she now had a line of three people waiting to be checked out.
            Oh, the joys of only being a stocker—I didn’t even have to look at that evil lady after that, much less deal with her crummy attitude.
Moral of the story? Don’t get all pissy and angry at a worker unless you know they’re at fault. It wasn’t my job to ring up customers (I’m not a cashier, and even if I was, we’re not allowed to run on another cashier’s till), therefore she had no right to give me the look of death. Sure, she had a right to be annoyed that she had to wait twenty seconds before her stuff was rung up since she’s obviously super important and does not deserve to wait for anything, but she shouldn’t have assumed she knew who to shoot her daggers at.

No Line Jumping!
Unless you want to be gut-punched.

Sometimes, while you’re waiting in a long line, a new line will open to help with a rush of customers. If this happens, wait for the new cashier to yell something along the lines of “Next!” or “I can help someone!” and do not, under any circumstances line jump.
If a new lane opens, always see if the person ahead of you wants to go to that lane. He was waiting first. Just because a new line opened doesn’t mean you should be able to cut in front of him. If he says “go ahead” then by all means, rush like they’re giving away free Dr. Pepper, but do not assume that it’s okay to go before him.
And don’t be a “sneaky jumper” either. These people are the ones who hang around by the register, acting like they’re still shopping until they see a new cashier open up her lane. Then, all of a sudden, their love for sluggish browsing disappears and they’re moving like a cheetah after wounded prey towards the new register.
On the same note of a new lane opening up: don’t start whining to the current cashier and asking if

there’s “anyone to help check out” if there’s only two or three people in line (unless each person ahead of you has a cart-full).
            You’re not a speshul snowflake, and the other employees usually have something else they’re doing—there’s a reason they’re only called “back up cashiers.”

 

Stand IN Line; Not to the Side
D’oh! Can’t reach ya over there LOL

There’s a reason it’s a line. Staying in line helps keep order and breaks down confusion as to who is next. Do not stand off to the side and then scoff and get angry if someone doesn’t realize you’re in line and tries to go before you.

 

Need Something? Wait Your Turn
I’m helping this guy out…

There have been so many times when I’m ringing up a customer, have another in line, and someone else decides to push their way in to ask me for something, then when I just give directions instead of showing them where the item is at, they give me a look of disgust “liek omg! You should drop what you’re doing and ignore that less-than-speshul-person to help me, a beautiful snowflake, out!”
Seriously, folks. Get over yourselves and wait your turn.

 

Politeness and Its Many Fails
“Hello, customer!”

We love it when we give you a greeting upon your arrival and you, not only don’t respond, but give us a look resembling this:

*scoff!*
“Eff off, corporate slave!”

 

 

Geez, who farted in your mouth?
By the way, saying we “love it” when you do this, is sarcasm. We hate it. We want to stab you with an umbrella when you do this.
Don’t worry too much, though; once you’re out of earshot we usually add a subtle “asshole” to your greeting.

Rage!
Anger can strike at any time.

You’re already having a bad day. You stubbed your toe, the shower water ran cold after only three minutes, and your dog peed on the carpet. We all have bad days, and we sympathize.
But don’t blame us. And don’t get rage-tastic right off the bat when something goes wrong. Analyze the situation first and kindly explain your problem. Most of the time, your concerns can be fixed in little or no time, or at the very least explained.
For example, if something rings up a different price—higher—than what you saw on a sign, kindly tell the cashier this. Don’t start yelling “That was only supposed to be 1.50! Why’s it ringing up at 1.75? You’re trying to pull one over on me aren’t you?!”
No, we are not “trying to pull one over on you.” The cashiers couldn’t care less what you pay for something. Whether you pay 1.50 or 1.75 doesn’t mean jack doodie to them; they get paid the same amount either way—it’s not like they’re on commission, and even they are and are just scanning the items and not punching in prices, odds are they
have no control over how much the item rings up—so there’s no reason for them to “charge you more.”
We do not set the prices. No one in a corporate store sets prices, not even the manager, and unless given special directions, we are not allowed to change the price to suit you or our self. Prices are all done and connected to the main corporate office, which could be states away.

 

Merchandise Left Behind
Don’t you love your gallon of milk? Why don’t you take it with you?

I have had a number of people be nice as pie at the register and then call the store a half hour later, whining with the attitude of a spoiled, fifteen-year-old girl who didn’t get her way, about not getting all their stuff home.
It happens at least once a day: someone will leave an item or a sack behind. Usually we notice in time to go runnin,’ huffin’ and puffin’ out the door after them just to scare the crap out of them when we yell “Hey Mister! You forgot a bag!” They’re usually grateful if you can catch them in the parking lot or before they make it out the door.
But Deity forbid they have to drive back to get something.
It is annoying to get home and realize you left behind your box of Twinkies. Having to drive all the way back and waste gas (especially in today’s economy) is a pain in the bum. But, it is not always the cashier’s fault, and therefore you shouldn’t be a grump upon your return to claim your favorite, left behind snack.
Here are some ways to avoid leaving a bag behind:

1. Use your common sense: if you buy a gallon of milk and two liter bottles of green tea, you should realize it’s not all going to fit in one bag. So don’t get annoyed when you’re in such a hurry you just grab one bag and leave only to get home and realize you forgot your milk.

 

1. Check all bag slots to make sure there aren’t any more bags with your purchased items in them.

 

1. Ask a cashier if you got all of them. It’s not always her job to make sure you do have all them (it’s polite and common courtesy on her part, but it’s still not her responsibility to make sure you get everything; it’s your crap, remember?), but she will gladly tell you if you ask.

 

Demon Spawn
They’re yours, not ours (thank God)

Your children are only cute to you. Okay, that’s not entirely true. A lot of kids are adorable. But those “annoying” things they do, that’s only cute to you.
All parents should teach their children how to behave in public. And if their child is too bullheaded to be taught and acts out in a public place, then it’s the parents’ responsibility to take the child out of the store. If there are two parents with the child, this should be done immediately by one parent while the other continues the shopping. If you’re a single parent or the only one with the child at the time, please hurry through your shopping to get the belligerent child out of the store ASAP.
You may be used to the nails-on-a-blackboard screeching your child does and it no longer bothers you to hear it because you’ve mastered the “drowning out” skill, but other customers and the stores’ employees have not. A screaming child, especially a stranger’s child, is enough to make anyone go temporarily insane. Don’t be surprised if you start getting shot at by rubber bands if you’re just browsing along while little Timmy screams at the top of his lungs. Either hurry the eff up, or take that kid to the car till he calms down.
Here are some other pet peeves that people let their kids get away with:

1. Running. Do not let your kid run around the store like a bat out of hell. Ever. It’s annoying to other shoppers, and dangerous. We are always busy (or we’re supposed to be), setting up displays or stocking shelves, or doing something else. A lot of the time, when wheeling out merchandise to stock, we blindly go around corners because of how tall the containment carts are. If we’re pushing a heavy rolltainer that’s taller than we are, do you think we’re going to see your kid running around like a chicken on speed? The parents who let their kids do this are always the ones quickest to threaten a law suit when their kid gets hurt, too. It’s ridiculous. You can’t blame someone else for you not watching your kid. And never is it the employees’ responsibility to watch your child. We are not baby-sitters.

 

1. Make a Mess. Too many people just let their kids go wild without any respect for the place of business, its employees, and other customers. Kids go to the toy aisle and play with every single toy, moving it from place to place, so that by the time they leave, the shelves are wrecked and there are plastic dinosaurs and play balls all over the floor. Don’t be this kind of parent. Supervise, clean up any messes they make, and keep your kid with you at all times (they’re less likely to be kidnapped if you keep them with you, too).

I especially love it when someone’s letting their kid play with everything until they hear or see an employee approaching. Then it’s “Amy, stop playing with that!” but they still don’t do anything about it; they just continue browsing. Little Amy continues touching everything and throwing stuff on the floor. “Honey, stop it!” the mother says, glancing at me from the corner of her eye….
All words, no action (take the kid’s hand away, lady and make her stop!).
Then when I leave, she doesn’t say anything else to sweet little Amy, and when I return half an hour later, there’s a mess.

1. Keep Them Away from the Register. Too many times have I had to void something that was rung up twice due to someone’s demon spawn trying to ring something up. Voids go against us, so yes, it is a big deal when they “accidentally” scan something that you’re not buying.

 

1. Keep them on your side of the counter. Don’t let your kid wander into my area. They’re just in the way if they do this. I’m trying to speedily ring you up and bag your merchandise, I can’t do that if I have to make sure I don’t trip over a mini-you every ten seconds.

1. Bounce Balls in the Store. To me, this is common sense; a no-brainer. Letting children bounce balls in a store is just plain stupid. There are all kinds of breakables in the store, not to mention, people—other customers—who wouldn’t appreciate being hit with a ball while they’re trying to shop. Would you allow your children to do this in your home? Or better yet, someone else’s home, where there are glass windows, lights, lamps, other breakables?

Yet, parents let their kids do this all the freakin’ time. They browse and shop like morons while their children toss basketballs and bouncy balls eight feet into the air. And then, if something does break, the parent ignores it, or brings it up to the cashier and says “I found this like this” so they don’t have to pay for their mistake.
We might go through the store and yell “please don’t play with our balls!” but that would sound a little funny….

 

 

Remember, they’re your kids—even if not biologically and you’re just baby-sitting—they came in with you, they’re your responsibility.
If your child breaks something, due to your lack of teaching him discipline and respect in a public place, and you get caught by an employee, don’t get angry when you’re asked to pay for the damages.

You have the right to not discipline your child and “let them express them self” (though, personally, I think that’s a load of bull dookie—children need discipline, just don’t confuse discipline with abuse), but you also have to be prepared to pay the consequences of letting your child do whatever he wants.

 

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Part Five

Miscellaneous
The stuff that didn’t go anywhere else, but is still equally important to our sanity and your physical well-being.

1. Falling Merchandise: If you pick something up off the shelf, examine it, decide you don’t want it, and attempt to place it back on the shelf, but it falls to the floor…pick it up, please. It’s not only rude to leave it, it’s also dangerous; someone could trip over it and injure them self. And we know you did it, so don’t look around and walk away like you didn’t notice.

 

1. Vending Machines: A lot of people don’t realize that a vending machine is not always the stores’ property.

We had a soda machine outside of our store that we didn’t have anything to do with. A vendor would come out once a month and re-stock it, and collect the money inside. We never had to do anything with it.
But, of course, when the machine “stole” peoples’ money, we were the ones to hear about it. People would come inside and complain about it and demand their money back, but what they didn’t realize was that by us giving them their money, we actually made our tills short.
We could have gotten in trouble for giving them the money out of our register because the managers didn’t know the situation and could have interpreted our tills being short as us stealing.
I finally got tired of the soda machine breaking down and people telling us to give them their money back that I put a sign on the machine that read:
“Out of order…again. Don’t risk your money! Come inside and buy a bottle instead.”

Most people thought the sign was funny and thanked us for the warning.

We Ain’t that Other Store
If you love them so much, go there.

We’ve had people come up to the register and complain about the price of something or the policies we have with certain items. They always have this snotty attitude and let us know how “ridiculous” something is and then add a clever “that’s not how Wal-Mart does it.” Or “Target doesn’t do it that way.”
Well, hunny, we ain’t Wal-Mart or Target. We do things differently, here. If you don’t like it, trek your happy, snotty arse up that way and buy from them.

Shopping Carts
Oh hey, what’s this wheelie device?

Just about every self-respecting retail store has shopping carts for your convenience. These are often located indoors and outdoors. In our store, we had a corral that would hold up to 5 carts inside and an outside corral that we stored the rest in. When the one inside would get too empty or too full, we’d transport from inside to outside and vice versa.

Please do:

1. Get a shopping cart and use it to haul around your crap instead of piling stuff on the checkout counter before you’re ready to check out. I’ve already covered this on or near page 50, so please refer to that section.

 

Please do not:

1. Empty your shopping cart at the register and then just leave it there. Not only is it a sign of your laziness, it’s just rude to the customer behind you who has to push your cart away or walk around it. Especially don’t do this when we’re busy and have a long line. Get the cart out of the way of other people. I’m not even asking you to put it back where it goes (back in the corral)—though that would be greatly appreciated. Just move it out of the way so it’s not an inconvenience to other people.

 

1. Leave the cart in the middle of the parking lot to get aroused by the wind (especially in the plain states—we have a lot of wind) and play tag with other people’s cars. If you don’t want to take it all the way back to the corral, at least secure the cart by hoisting the front wheels up on a curb or something.

1. Abandon your empty cart in the store. It’s annoying to be walking through the store and find an empty cart in the middle of an aisle; other customers have to move it or go around it. Just take it back to the corral at the front of the store—you gotta go that direction to leave anyway.

 

1. Abandon your full cart. This really ticks us off. For one thing, when we see a cart full of stuff by itself, we’re not sure if the shopper is just on another aisle and will be returning, or if the shopper just left it behind and ran out on it altogether. In this case, we have to just move the cart to the side and wait and see if someone’s going to claim it. My rule is to wait about thirty minutes. If no one claims it by then, I take action. Let me tell you, it’s not fun to have to empty a full cart and put all the stuff back where it goes. It’s time-consuming, annoying, and just plain rude. You are a big suck if you’ve ever done this. Put the items back yourself and then put the cart back where it goes if you have to leave. However, if it’s an emergency, we understand. But if it’s laziness, we hope you get pummeled by June Bugs.

1. Leave your cart in one aisle while you shop in another. This is also an inconvenience, and a huge annoyance because you’re not there to move it if another customer wants to go down that aisle but can’t get their cart around yours. If you insist on being the kind of person who leaves their cart on one aisle while they shop on another aisle, at least leave the cart in a main aisle (the larger ones), off to the side, with plenty of room for other people to go around it.

 

1. Call them baskets. Baskets are the handheld containers that are placed all over the store for those buying a small number of items. It’s confusing when someone tells me “I need a basket” and I think they want the carrying kind when they’re really talking about a cart. It’s a shopping cart. Call it a shopping cart.

Also, don’t get mad when there aren’t any carts inside the store. There’s usually a good reason for this. Rarely is it because we workers are deliberately neglecting the corral just make your day go rotten.
Either we just haven’t noticed, or we’re too busy and haven’t had a chance to do any cart round-ups. There are always carts outside and yes, I agree that it’s not fair for you to have to walk your pampered, spoiled butt outside to get your own cart, but it won’t kill you and is sometimes necessary.
We aren’t superheroes. We cannot ring up customers and retrieve carts at the same time, and we believe our customers would be more annoyed with us if we make them wait three minutes while we round up carts instead of ringing their stuff up right away. Such is the world. It’s cruel at times, but if we unite, we should be able to pull through.

 

Garbage
Or is it garbahj?

Let me tell you where garbage belongs: in a garbage can.

Let me tell you where garbage does not belong:

1. In our shopping carts.
2. On our shelves.
3. On our floor.
4. In our parking lot.

 

Basically, garbage does not go anywhere other than a trash receptacle.

More than once, I have found a small pile of sunflower seed shells just sitting on a shelf. Just sittin’ there, waiting to gross out the lucky SOB who found it. Shells. Meaning they had been gutted. And how do you do that? By sucking on them and biting them open and spitting the shells back out. Spitting. S-p-i-t, ladies and gentlemen. That is disgusting, rude, and unsanitary. You might as well tell me to hold open my hand so you can hawk a big ol’ loogie right there into it. You don’t want to wipe my ass; I don’t want to touch your spitty sunflower seed shells.
On other occasions I’ve found cups from fast-food places sitting on our shelves. The worst I’ve ever found is a cup full of chew spit. I don’t know how or why people get so disgusting, but I wish they would stop.
I’ve found used tissues lying around. What makes people think someone wants to have to touch their dirty, used tissue?
The best (and by that, I mean insulting) is when I find an empty wrapper from a candy bar that they’ve stolen from us. Thanks for rubbing your thieving evidence in our faces, ya butt-crack!
Throw your trash away. If you can’t get to a trash can right at that moment, wait it out until you can! Or ask us where a trashcan is. Most of the time, we have one under our register or close by. Most stores have trashcans outside, right next to our door. It’s easy to find a trash receptacle, stop being lazy.

 

Human Waste
Omg, is that a pee puddle?

I’m suddenly reminded of something else along the lines of waste. . . .

There was one time when a co-worker of mine went into the back room where we keep our merchandise that is waiting to be stocked. A lot of the time there’s food back there.
My co-worker found a puddle. Not just any puddle; a yellow puddle. And it’s not just a little puddle where an animal might have gotten back there and urinated, this was a human puddle of piss.

Why?

What would possess a person to go into the back room of a business and take a piss on the floor? I say it was someone with a grudge. Or maybe some confusion. See, at my store, the bathrooms used to be in our back rooms. But the newer stores—like the one I worked at—had the bathrooms at the front of the store. Maybe someone went back there because they were used to the older store layouts. But even if that were the case, once they saw that the bathroom wasn’t back there, why wouldn’t they just go ask where it was?
The next day, my boss checked the security camera and confirmed that a man had gone into our backroom and took a leak on our floor.
Please don’t do this. It’s gross, and no one wants to have to clean up another person’s piss.
If you have a child that uses the bathroom while at the store, even if you don’t accompany them in the bathroom, please peek inside the bathroom once they’re finished to make sure they didn’t leave a mess.
I had to clean up a pee puddle that was right next to the toilet, as if someone’s kid just didn’t make it in time and ended up peeing while trying to sit on the toilet.

Closing Time
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

Every store has—or is supposed to have—a sign near the door stating its operating hours. These are the hours in which you are allowed to shop.
Businesses close at a certain time for a reason. It’s not to make your life miserable or to inconvenience you, believe it or not.

Let me tell you what closing time is:

1. Closing time is closing time.

Here’s what closing time is not:

1. Closing time is not a time where we lock the doors just for you, the one lucky shopper left, to browse all alone without anyone bothering you.

 

1. Closing time is not the time that you have to be at the store in order to “make it” and be able to take your time shopping because you

believe you are in a “safe zone.” Just ‘cause you made it in, don’t mean we won’t kick ya out.

This is the most common complaint from employees. It drives us nuts when people think they can shop past operating hours.
You are not privileged. You do not get to inconvenience everyone working there just because you don’t know how to read store hours.
I’ve heard two outstanding, ridiculous arguments by customers who just barely made it in the door before closing time and then thought they were going to be allowed to browse while we just twiddled our thumbs and waited:

1. “You want my business, don’t you?”

Um, no. Actually, we don’t give a crap about your “business” because we get paid the same regardless. And the measly amount that we do get paid is certainly not worth spending another hour here.

1. “You’re paid to be here and I’m a paying customer, so if I want to shop past nine, I can damn well do what I please.”

 

That above is what we like to call an Entitlement Bitch. She (or he) is someone who believes they can have whatever they want, and do whatever they want because “the world owes them something.”
If there was a Reality Slap Hand, I’d gladly use it on people like this. See the former response to the first argument; it applies here as well.
If you feel the same way as these two people do, remember something:
Every store has a budget in which it pays its employees. At my store, the company didn’t want us staying past 9:30 because they don’t want to have to pay us more, so no, you can’t shop as long as you want.
We have the right to refuse service, and if you’re taking too long, even knowing that we’re closing, I will turn the lights off on you. If you still refuse to leave, I will call the police and kindly have you escorted out; it’s happened before, it’ll happen again.
This is the most common complaint from employees. It drives us nuts when people think they can shop past operating hours because they’re privileged and “the customer is always right.”

 

 

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Part Six

The Other Customers

We’ve covered a good chunk of the rude people. Not all of them, mind you—some of you just keep on surprising us—but the previous situations are the most complained about by employees. Don’t believe me? Google “bad customers” or “customer’s suck” and see for yourself.
If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “This is ridiculous; I do some of those things and that does not make me a rude customer. This writer is just too sensitive” remember what I said above: these are the most common complaints from employees, which means, it’s not just me. The problem is you.
Accept, embrace, move on, and for the love of your Deity, better yourself or one day you may be walking to your car after being a sucky customer and have an eraser thrown at your head. If this happens, and you’ve read this book, well…you can’t complain, now can you?

And now, let’s cover some of the other types of customers. Sucky customers are not strictly the rude; they’re also the annoying, the weird, and the just plain scary.

 

Flat Out Annoying
Hand me that magazine so I can smack ya with it.

 

You know the type. The kind of person who doesn’t necessarily mean to make you want to run your head into the wall. It’s not their fault. They were probably just born that way. But that doesn’t stop you from wishing you could molest their brain with a mallet. Here are some examples so you can decide if you’re an annoying customer. Some of these can also be categorized elsewhere, so you might see repeats.

Be Specific
That’s not pronounced “pacific” by the way.

Unless you’re asking for something obvious like, “where’s your milk?” then we probably don’t know what you mean from just one word descriptions.
Do not ask me “Where’s the oil?” and expect me to know what you’re talking about without asking questions. There’s all kinds of oil. Motor oil? Cooking oil? Baby oil? Let me know what kind of oil you’re looking for. And don’t give me the lazy eye or look at me like I’m missing brain cells when I ask “What kind of oil?”
I had one woman come up to me and ask, “Where’s your cards?”
Okay, easy, I think. She wants to know where our greeting cards are.
But then she says, “Deck cards, where’s your deck cards?”. Only it didn’t sound like that. She had a very strong Southern accent so it sounded like she was saying, “Duck cards.”
I’m thinking, Duck cards? What the hell is a duck card? Ducky cards? Like…greeting cards for someone who’s had a baby recently? I start to open my mouth to ask her if this is what she means and I guess she saw the dumb look on my face and finally clarified by saying “Playing cards.” She sounded annoyed.
I’m sorry, lady…had you said “Playing cards” from the beginning, I could have helped you a lot sooner. Don’t get annoyed with me because you can’t be specific.

 

Be Ready

• Tax exempt? That’s fantastic. But have your card ready or know your number so we can put it in the computer. We don’t have a magic button that says “Tax Exempt” that will automatically take your tax off without putting in a number. We have to type your information into the system to make sure people aren’t trying to screw us over and just get a free tax day.

 

• Writing a check? Please have it filled out before we ring your stuff up. My mom used to get her check ready before we even went into the store. She would leave the total blank, of course, until she knew what the total was, but it was a lot faster to just have to write the totals in on the check than having to do that and fill out all the other stuff while people have to wait in line behind. It was a good idea she had and I recommend everyone do it. And, please, to make your checkout time is faster, and to do us a favor, make sure your checks have your phone number on them, and have your driver’s license ready.

• Have your money ready. If you want to make sure you pay with exact change, please have your coin purse or a handful of change ready to count. Please have your bills easily accessible. No one wants to have to wait while you dig inside your purse to find money. We already covered this, so please review that section if you’re still unclear.

 

No Debating
“Like, omg, the president is so stupid.”

Keep your Religious and/or Political thoughts to yourself. Why people want to try and debate with cashiers and other associates is beyond me. They don’t know these people, yet they go up and talk to them like nothing they say will be offensive. If you absolutely believe the cashier is interested in debating with you, then ask them first if they like talking about these subjects, and find out what side they’re on. Then cautiously debate with them, don’t just start throwing harsh accusations around or declaring your love for a certain political party as if you’re standing on a mountain and shouting it out.
People just start rambling about their love or hatred for the current President, or about Believers and non-Believers without knowing the person they’re talking to. Most people I know, co-workers and friends, hate it when strangers try to start a debate with them.
If you want to damn the President or talk about why you do or don’t believe in God, save it for someone else. The grocery store is not your debate class. That’s what groups and the intarwebz is for.

 

Don’t Be a Comedian. Don’t Be a Magician
How ‘bout I shove that magic coin up your….

If you have a joke or magic trick…we probably don’t care. Harsh, I know, but we don’t know you and didn’t ask to be shown a trick or told a joke. If we wanted any of that, we would go to a club or anywhere else they entertain that kind of stuff.
We get people every day who think they’re funny. The classic line “Are you working hard or hardly working” followed by a laugh that resembles Santa’s ho ho ho! gets really old. Seriously, people…like we’ve never heard that one before.
We have one older gentleman who comes into the store every week or so, and each and every time he comes in, he brings out this “magic” coin and starts flipping it in the air and asks “Do you know what this is?”
Now, the first time he did this, I was polite, smiled, and asked, “What is it?”
“It’s a woman’s coin! Now you see it,” he does something that makes the coin disappear, “now you don’t! Ha ha ha! Do you get it?”
Though I found it slightly offensive considering I’m a woman and I don’t feel the need to spend money like it’s going out of style like that (in fact, I’m a tight-ass who hates spending money), I laughed. I humored him. I was beyond nice, probably annoyingly so.
Harmless old man, yes. Lonely? Probably so. But, this guy does this same trick every time he comes into the store. It would be tolerable if he did something different, but it’s the same trick. All the time. Over and over. See the redundancy? See how it would be annoying?
So please, save it for the kiddos, save it for your friends and family, save it for the corner to entertain passersby. But leave your poor cashiers and other sales associates alone after you’ve already shown them once.

 

No Whistling
This ain’t Mayberry.

• For your cashiers. We’ve covered this already, but I thought I’d reiterate its importance. We are not dogs; do not whistle for us like you’d whistle for a dog.

 

• For your entertainment. You’re not one of the seven dwarves, and even if you were, you aren’t working. Sure it may be calming to whistle a merry tune to yourself, but it’s annoying to those who are around you and have to listen to it, too. Save it for when you’re alone.

 

No Singing
I don’t care if you do think you’re the next Kelly Clarkson.

This goes along with the whistling for your enjoyment. Our store is not your own personal American Idol. Only 1 in 10 of you has even a tolerable voice. The rest of you are horribly off-key and have a voice that sounds like a cat being skinned alive. Do not subject the rest of the store to your wailing, please. You will not be discovered at the Dollar Store. We do not have agents in disguise. Save it for the shower.

 

Stop Abusing the Service Bell
The bell has feelings too.

Not every store has one anymore (for good reason). But you know what I’m talking about. Those little silver bells that sit on the counter at the checkout that you can “ding” if someone isn’t there to serve you right away? Thank God my current store doesn’t have one, but my old store did. Oh, the horror…I still have nightmares.
People would come up to the counter and ding! “Hello-ooo?” they would call in an annoyed voice because they had waited…FIVE SECONDS! (Oh no!) without service!
I would hear the bell and start walking to the register. They would wait two more seconds and then ding! ding! ding! Over and over…and over. Even when they see you coming, they still keep ringing it! Or you’d come up and find a small child ringing it over and over with a grin on their face that indicated they knew they were torturing you and liked it. Little sadistic hell spawn. And the parents would be a) ignoring it (how is that possible?!) or b) be laughing it up.
“Isn’t little Joshy so cuuute?” the proud mama would say.
And, of course, we can’t be rude.
“Ah, yeah! He’s wonderful, ma’am!”

*smilesmile*

Seriously, folks. It only needs to be rang once. In some rare cases, twice. But wait at least thirty seconds in between rings. And when you see us walking towards you, stop hitting the button.
Most retail workers are already insane (it’s a side effect after about six months or so of working and gets worse every year, sadly), but incessant ringing of the service bell will make us go more insane than we already are. Bell abusers make us want to take the bell and shove it in their mouth, and then give them a good slap upside the head for good measure.

 

Put All Your Crap on the Counter
And then kindly step away.

Do not hand us your items one at a time. Place all your things on the counter (but careful not to overload if you have a big order) and let us handle the rest. Slowly handing us each and every item is not only inconvenient, it slows us down and annoys the people behind you.
This happens every now and then but my most memorable experience is the guy who had probably 30 items in his cart and not only wanted to hand me every one of them, but to also tell me how to bag each item. I had a growing line so I was displeased, but I, of course, couldn’t be rude and had to let him finish his endeavor and annoying instructions.

 

No Means “No”
I can get ya a dictionary if you still aren’t sure.

This has been covered as well, but allow me to elaborate more since this incident fits more into the annoying category than in the rude category.
If you come into the store and ask for a certain item and my response is “No, I’m sorry we don’t carry that” just accept it. Move on with your life; you will be okay, I promise. Do not look at me like I’m stupid. And do not assume my sex has anything to do with a lack of knowledge for the product in question.
Now, if I seem unsure, and my response goes something like “Uh…hum…I’m not sure…no, I don’t think so” then by all means, question me. Describe the object. Use hand gestures to help. Ask someone else. But if I give you a quick, flat-out “No” you can pretty much guarantee that I know what I’m talking about.
Most of the time, the people who do this are men who want to know where a “manly” product is and they think that, because you’re a woman, you don’t know what they’re talking about. Like propane for instance.
I had a guy ask if we carry propane and I said right away “No, we don’t” because I know for a fact that we don’t. And he gives me this “you’re a dumb woman” look and starts to describe propane and asking “are you sure?”
Then there are the people who say in a whiny tone “Are you suuuuure? I really need it.”
Oh hey! I didn’t know you really needed it. Let me pull it out of my patooty and give it to you right away. I’m so sorry, customer; I didn’t realize you were speshul.

 

Moving? Get Your Own Boxes
Stop being cheap.

I know it’s a pain in the arse to move. I grew up an Air Force Brat; we moved a lot. Sometimes we moved ourselves, and no, we didn’t buy our boxes. But back then you could go behind a place of business and snag boxes from their dumpsters.
You can’t do that at very many places anymore because most places recycle the cardboard instead of throwing it away. This means that people come inside and ask if we have any boxes to spare.
This wouldn’t be that big a deal if our boxes were easily accessible and it didn’t make a huge mess to go through them. At my store, we have to break down all the boxes and stack them neatly in empty rolltainers. If someone comes in asking for boxes, we then have to go through all the rolltainers, making a mess of the neatly stacked piles.
It takes probably 10-20 minutes just to go through the boxes and find all the types and sizes that the customer needs, and then it takes another 20 minutes trying to clean it all up. That’s 40 minutes out of our work day. I could have stocked a whole rolltainer of chemicals in that time.

If you can afford it, please, please, please, just buy the boxes that U-Haul offers.

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Part Seven

Dumb and Stupid
Redundancy is Redundant.

Like the annoying customer, it’s not always the dumb and stupid customer’s fault they’re…well, dumb and stupid. Sometimes people are just having an “off” day. Their actual intelligence and brain power may not have anything to do with their moment of stupidity. Even geniuses have their bad days.
We don’t blame people for mistakes. But when your own error and brain malfunction turns you into a rude customer, that’s when we feel like taking you by the ears and stringing you up with fishhooks. Here are some examples of rudeness born from stupidity.

 

Item Inquiries
“Yes, that’s all we have.”

It amazes me that so many people will go to an aisle, find the item they’re looking for and realize there’s only one or two left—or none at all—stare at it dumbfounded and go “Is that all you have?” But that’s not the part the amazes me because, we could have more in the back (though in the case of my store it’s unlikely—we rarely have overstock). The part that amazes me is when I say “Yes, that’s all we have” people get angry and act like we purposely ran out just to spite them.
“Why don’t you order more?” They ask.
“Well, that never crossed my mind. Let me get on my ‘Get crap in five minutes or less’ computer and have that for ya right away.”
Don’t be like this. Don’t be a doodie-head. After all, this is a place of business. We, amazingly enough, sell our merchandise. And sometimes we run out. It happens.
If the shelf is empty, odds are we have ordered it. Sometimes several times. It takes at least a week to get this stuff in (in smaller stores anyway). And, in the case of my store, some products (I assume the less important ones) take longer to reach us than others. Frustrating? Yes. Our fault? No. Call Corporate and make a complaint if it pokes at your feelings that much. Otherwise, stop baahing about it.

 

Price Signs
“That’s not what that sign ten feet away from the merchandise said!”

This scenario has already been partially covered, but here’s a more in-depth example.
Some people get rather snooty and upset if they read a sign wrong and end up being charged more for an item than they originally thought it was. The problem here is, they usually see the price it says on the sign without reading specific descriptions.
For example, sometimes we set up displays with several items and, in order to grab the attention of the customer, there will be a sign above the display that says something like “Starting at $1.00.” Some customers forget to read the whole sign. They only see the $1.00 part and start grabbing only to find when they get to the register their beloved 2 gallons of fruit punch is actually $2.00.
“That sign said a dolla!” they say all indignant and red-eyed, nostrils flaring.
“Huh?” the cashier asks. She glances over her shoulder at the display the angry customer is pointing at. “Oh! That says starting at a dollar. The fruit punch is actually two dollars; see the price sticker on it?” *smilesmile*
The customer looks embarrassed for one brief second and then the rage is back in their eyes.
“Ain’t that convenient?” they say with attitude. “You guys are always trying to pull one over on us.”
No no. We ain’t trying to do anything. See, we get instructions from the corporate office on how to display and price special displays. There are even pictures in the book that show us how to do it. Yup, the instructions say to make the price sign say Starting at $1.00. That wouldn’t be our fault; that’s the “big guys” trying to “pull one over on you.” Sorry to disappoint ya…but you’re gonna have to complain to them.
Another thing that happens is there will be a sale on one item that happens to sit next to another item similar to it. Instead of reading the sign that says (i.e.) “Half off–blue towels only” the customer assumes all towels are half off. Then they get all huffy when you have to point out what the sign says.
In conclusion? Read everything so you can be sure you understand just exactly what is (and isn’t) on sale. And if you still aren’t sure, ask an associate for help.

 

Coupons
Because 20 cents off is worth holding up the line to argue about whether or not a name-brand coupon covers a generic product.

Read ‘em. So many people don’t follow the rules on coupons. If it’s a coupon for a free item there’s usually a price limit on the item (i.e. maximum retail value not to exceed $3.00) or you have to buy something else in order to get the free item.
There are also restrictions on coupons. Some coupons only allow one coupon per customer or transaction, yet people bring 3 of the same coupons up to the register…and, of course they get all annoyed when you tell them you can only take one coupon off the purchase. Or the coupon has a size limit, like “Save 50 cents off floor cleaner 30 oz or larger” and people bring up a 20 oz bottle of cleaner and expect to be able to use the coupon with it.
My favorite: People produce a coupon for a name brand product and the item they brought to the counter is a generic brand. What really gets me are the ones who know it’s the generic brand and still expect the coupon to be used (yes, this has really happened to me—at least twice).
Then there’s expiration dates. Most coupons expire. Don’t get mad at the cashier if she has to point out your coupon is expired and cannot be used.
And if the coupon doesn’t match the product no, the cashier cannot “just take it.” Even if she wanted to bend the rules for you speshul people, she couldn’t because most coupons have a bar code that you have to scan on the register and the computers are set up to match that bar code with the item being discounted. If the barcodes don’t match, guess what? You don’t get the discount. There’s nothing she can do about it if the computer won’t accept it.
Read your coupons.

 

Scanning Items
At least it’s faster than typing in all the numbers.

Yes, we do have to scan every item, unless they’re exactly alike. If you have 2 bottles of grape soda and 2 bottles of orange, we have to scan at least one of each flavor because they have different SKU numbers. If we don’t scan every individual SKU, it messes up our inventory.
Deal with it and stop whining. It’s not going to kill you to hand us one of each flavor.

Creepy & Icky
Stop giving me the pedo-serial killer look, please.

 

Sometimes customers are so weird they literally give you chills and make you want to put a bag over your head and run away. Some customers make Charles Manson seem like Mr. Rogers; they just make you downright uncomfortable.
Then there’s the ones that make you want to barf because they either smell bad or tell some pretty icky stories.
Here’s how to tell if you fit in any of these categories, and if you do…just stop. Please. You’re scaring us.

 

First (and probably most important) rule that you should follow in order to not be creepy is this:  Retail stores are not your personal dating service.

Guys especially like to stand at the side of the register and just talk it up with a cashier they’re attracted to. Most of the time, these guys are actually older men, sometimes 20 or 30 years older than the cashier, who reek of booze, motor oil, and some hefty b.o. Their hair is greasy (if they have any at all), and they’re sporting a beer gut.
Guys? No. Just…no.
No woman in her right mind is going to be flattered by someone who fits anything in this description, no matter how old said someone is.
But that’s not even the point. No matter what you look like (unless you more than slightly resemble James Franco), the grocery store, dollar store, convenience store, etc., etc., is not the appropriate place to try and get a date. If you’re really interested in the cashier and believe she could be your soul mate, try some quick chatter while she’s ringing up your stuff, flash her a flirty smile, and slip her your number.
But do not stand near the register for an hour trying to woo her. She has work to do, and other customers to ring up. And if she’s not actively trying to converse with you, take the hint that she’s not interested and shut up and move on.
Here are some hints that she’s not interested:

• Casual, almost constant, nodding of the head, but not much talk. She’s trying to get rid of you by pretending she agrees with you.

• Roaming eyes. Unless they’re roaming all over you (i.e. imagining you nekked), she’s trying to politely show her attention is elsewhere, and that she just wants you to leave.

 

• No smiles at all. One of women’s most powerful flirting tools is her smile. If she ain’t flashing her pearly whites, odds are she doesn’t want you talking to her. But don’t always rely on this. Some people fake-smile because they don’t want to be rude. Learn your smiles.

 

This advice is only in the case of the innocent people who just happen to be shopping and see a cute worker they think would be a fun date, especially regular customers who develop a friendship with the worker and then decide they want to take it a step further. There’s nothing wrong with this.
But do not go looking for dates at any retail store. Don’t go to a retail establishment hoping you’ll meet someone. That’s just pathetic and creepy.

 

Do You have a Staring Problem?
Or are you eyes just naturally stuck in place that way?

I despise people who stand a few feet away from me and just stare. Or sometimes, they’ll stand at the other end of the aisle I’m working on…and stare.
I’m not sure what they’re waiting for—maybe they think their very presence requires some special acknowledgement that involves me dropping whatever I’m doing, rushing to their side and kissing their fingers while saying, “Hello Mr. Speshul! I’m so glad to see you!”—but a simple “Excuse me, Miss” would get my attention just fine.
I ignore people who do this.
“But that’s not good customer service!”
Frankly, my dears, I don’t give a damn.
People who just look at you and say nothing are very unsettling and, I don’t know about everyone else, but they make me uncomfortable. For all I know, you’re some pervert undressing me with your creepy eyes.
No staring, punk.

 

 

Stop Looking at My Money, Weirdo!
Srsly, get your own.

Every cashier I’ve ever worked with has agreed with this one: We hate it when people lean over the counter to look into our cash drawer.
It’s beyond creepy; it’s scary.
What’s the first thing that goes through our mind when someone leans over the counter to look at the till while we’re getting their change?
Robbers. That’s right, we think you’re getting ready to rob us. You can pretty much guarantee that if you’re making an effort to lean over to look at the money we have in our cash register, the cashier is getting ready to push the panic button. I was held at gunpoint when my store was robbed one night. Since then, I get very paranoid when someone does this while I’m running the register.
And here’s a word of advice, if you are planning on robbing anyone, think it over: a lot of the cashiers now carry tasers and pocket knives—some even have guns.
People who lean over the counter to gaze at the dollar bills make us uneasy. Just don’t do it. Ever.

Practice Good Hygiene
Smells like a good idea.

• Bathe daily, or at least every other day.
• Brush your teeth
• Use deodorant
• Spray on a bit of cologne/perfume

No one likes smelling Mr. and Mrs. Stinky. Body odor combined with cigarette smoke, booze, and motor oil is one of the worst combination of smells on the face of the planet. It’s not polite to be a disgusting slob and expect everyone else to have to smell you. If you want to be gross, stay at home. But especially do not get as close as you can to ask a question when you smell bad. You’ll have the employee gagging on vomit as she runs for the bathroom.

Keep Your Creepy Stories to Your Creepy Self
You did what to your mom’s poodle?

• No one wants to hear about how you scraped up a bit o’ road kill, skinned the cat, then bar-b-q’d and ate it. That may be normal in your life…it’s not for the rest of the population.

• We also do not want to hear about your kinky sexual experiences. Go to the XXX store and talk to those people.

 

• Keep anything personal private. We don’t know you, therefore we don’t care if your aunt’s grandma has taken up bug collecting, except in the case where we’ve developed a friendship with “regulars.”

 

Don’t Stand So Close to Me
Srsly. I can almost feel your arm hair.

If you have a question, by all means, ask. But keep a respectable distance. I hate people who feel the need to get so close to you they invade your personal bubble and breathe their dragon-breath on you.
Stay at least a few feet away. Don’t get inches close to my face to ask me where the paper plates are.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me….

And finally, that old advice your grandmother used to give you, “treat others how you want to be treated.” You get respect by giving respect.

And stop bein’ whiners.

 

The End
Or is it?

*Leave feedback in the forum.

R. Vance
June 23, 2009

Bad Customers Dictionary

Baah = To whine, complain, gripe, etc.
Big suck = Jerk
Demon Spawn = Children
Drama Llama = Drama Queen
Eff = The equivalent to a four-letter curse word that starts with the letter F
*Facepalm* = The act of lightly slapping your own face with your palm
Intarwebz = Internet speak for “internet”
LOL = Laugh(ing) Out Loud
MOD = Manager On Duty
Nekked = Naked
Rage-tastic = Angry
Rolltainer = The caged carts we roll out stock on
She-bitch = Very grumpy woman
*smilesmile* = Fake smiling
Snowflake = A person who believes they are privileged
Speshul = Internet speak for “Special”
Srsly = internet or text talk for “seriously”
Weirded out = Disgusted or confused
Wut = Internet speak for “what”

 

Did you like this book? Hate it? Got a compliment, or a complaint? Contact the author: rvance@rvances.com.

But be warned: She likes to share hate mail ;-)

 

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